Have you ever broken up with someone, found yourself alone, and thinking, I miss him?
There’s no denying that breakups can hurt like hell.
Whether you were with someone for a few months or years, or you never even defined the relationship. Spending lots of time with someone you’re attracted to and see a future with creates a bond.
To have that broken sucks.
It can be even worse when the person in question did something to break your trust and shattered your heart. And there may be a part of you wondering, why do I miss him?
Regardless of what happened, breakups just hurt. A study found that the same areas of the brain are active when a cocaine addict withdraws from a drug and when heartbroken people see pictures of their former partners. This suggests that the way we experience love is similar to an addiction.
So you’re not crazy for feeling the way you do or missing him.
In this article, I want to help you understand why you might be missing him (or if you simply miss the idea of him) and how to stop missing him and move on with your life today.
Because you deserve to be happy on your own and eventually find your way to an amazing man who is the perfect match for you.
“I miss him.” Or do you miss the you that you were with him?
Even if you were the most fierce, independent woman before you met the guy in question, being in a relationship changes you.
The more time you spend together, the more you get used to having that person around and being in each other’s lives.
Chances are you had a certain routine, he was your go-to guy for making plans with, and maybe you depended on him a little (even if you don’t like to admit that). This is normal.
But ask yourself, do I miss him, or do I miss the familiarity and comfort of having him around?
Do I miss him, or do I miss that woman I was when I was with him?
There may be a part of you thinking you can’t possibly be happy without him, regardless of whether he was a good match for you.
But do you really believe this?
Are you going to pin all your happiness on someone else?
Remember, he is just one guy out of billions.
“I miss him.” Chances are you only miss the good times
After a breakup, we often focus on all the fantastic qualities of our ex and the good memories.
Why do we do this?
Because our mind likes to f*ck with us, that’s why!
You’re replaying the sweetness of your first date, the first “I love you,” the romantic gestures, and how great he looks with his shirt off.
But have you stopped to remind yourself of the bad times?
All relationships have ups and downs. If you broke up, chances are there were some compatibility issues, unresolvable arguments, and red flags.
Did he ever ignore your calls or texts, bail on you last minute, or treat you like an option?
Did he ever disrespect you, make you feel small, or fight dirty?
The next time you find yourself replaying the highlight reel, remind yourself of the not-so-good times too.
He wasn’t perfect. The relationship wasn’t perfect. And there’s a good reason why you’re not together right now.
“I miss him.” Or do you miss who you wanted him to be?
Sometimes we desperately want someone to be who we want them to be, which leads to us fabricating an idea of who they are in our heads. This is common when you first meet someone and you’ve just started dating.
You ignore what’s really in front of you and let your imagination run wild. You think about how beautiful your future will be together. How you’ll fall in love, get married, have beautiful kids, and live happily ever after.
Before you know it, you’ve dreamt up a new guy who is worlds apart from the one sitting in front of you.
You miss the red flags or choose to ignore them. You let little things slip that you probably shouldn’t. And you fell for the guy you needed or wanted him to be. But if you’re honest with yourself, he probably wasn’t that guy.
You don’t miss him; you just miss the amazing man you wanted him to be.
Once you realize this, you can let go of him and find a man who is actually amazing. I promise he does exist.
“I miss him.” Or are you afraid he’s going to move on with another woman?
Do you miss him, or are you afraid he’s going to move on with an amazing woman who’s not you?
Maybe you’re also worried that he’s going to finally become the man you wanted him to be, and this woman possesses the magical power to change him.
What does she have that you don’t? Why couldn’t he be that guy for you?
There’s no getting around it—seeing your ex move on is tough. Especially if he moves on before you do, or it happens fast.
But moving on is a natural step after breaking up. And who he dates or how he behaves in a new relationship is none of your business—so try not to consume yourself with it.
You’ll only make yourself feel crappy if you start comparing yourself to other women or dwelling on your ex.
Wish him and his new partner nothing but health and happiness. I know this is hard to do, but it’s the only way to make peace with the situation and allow yourself to move on.
“I miss him.” Or are you just afraid of being alone?
As we grow up and get older, it can sometimes feel like everyone around us is moving on with their lives. Everyone apart from us.
Maybe your friends are all buying houses, getting married, and having babies. Even if they’re not there yet, they might all be coupled up, and you’re the only one who’s single.
Again, this is the comparison trap rearing its ugly head. And it can trick you into thinking you miss your ex when you’re just afraid of being alone.
If this is a genuine fear for you, it’s a sign that you need to embrace being on your own for a while. Get to love your own company. Live a whole life on your own. Get to the point where you’re so happy and content and in love with your life that you don’t need a relationship.
Be patient. Trust that everything is happening for you, not to you.
“I miss him even though he treated me badly.”
Was the guy in question emotionally unavailable?
Did he ever lie to you or play mind games? Did he cheat on you?
And you find yourself wondering, why do I miss him when he treated me so poorly?
Maybe, in the beginning, he was perfect. He promised you the world and more. He said and did all the right things and made you think you’d found the one. Maybe you had a super intense, passionate honeymoon phase in your relationship, and you couldn’t believe how lucky you were to have finally found someone so incredible.
And that’s when it starts. He gets hot and cold. It feels like he’s pulling away without an explanation. You ignore the red flags because you don’t want to lose him. But the reality is, you never had him in the first place.
This is why toxic partners can be the most difficult to get over. You’re still hung up on that guy at the start who seemed perfect. Maybe you even start blaming yourself for his change in behavior and convince yourself you weren’t enough for him.
But here’s the truth: he didn’t change. He was always an asshole. You just had blinders on at the beginning.
You deserve a guy who loves and respects you and would never dream of playing games or intentionally hurting you. Remember this next time you find yourself missing him.
And if you seem to keep going for emotionally unavailable guys and finding yourself in toxic relationships, consider working with a dating coach or therapist. This will help you discover the root cause of your actions and help you form empowering new habits.
“I miss him and want him back.” Okay… why?
Okay, so you miss him.
It’s time to ask yourself why.
Do you think this guy is your soulmate and you’re meant to be together?
Or is it more because you feel lonely, you worry you’ll end up alone for the rest of your life, and you’re convincing yourself he’s someone he’s just not?
Was the relationship happy, healthy, and thriving?
If the answer is no, would you rather stay in an unhappy relationship that isn’t working or find a happy one that works?
If part of you still prefers the comfort of being with someone who isn’t good for you instead of being on your own, it’s time to do some inner work.
You have to work on being happy and content on your own. Only then can you build a solid, loving partnership with someone else.
Here’s how to stop missing him and move on with your life today.
1. Don’t contact him
The fresher the breakup, the stronger the urge to contact him will be. But you’ve got to be strong and resist the temptation.
Keeping in contact with him or checking up on what he’s doing will only keep him at the front of your mind. You’ll keep yourself trapped in an emotional, vulnerable state.
I recommend blocking him on all social media and deleting his number, like, NOW.
Going no-contact will help you rebuild your strength, confidence, and self-worth.
This is the first step to moving on.
2. Write an unhappy list
It’s time to stop focusing on the good times and memories and start reminding yourself of the bad times.
I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but I want you to remind yourself that the relationship wasn’t perfect. When you recall all the painful memories and red flags you may have ignored, you’ll wonder why you’re even missing him at all.
So, write a list of all the things you didn’t like about this guy and all the things that made you unhappy in the relationship.
Next time you miss him, re-read this list.
3. Let yourself grieve
As I’ve mentioned already, it’s normal to feel the way you’re feeling and miss having this person in your life. To pretend like nothing happened and everything is okay is the wrong approach because you’ll only be denying and suppressing your true feelings.
So, give yourself permission to grieve this loss. Allow yourself to feel a rainbow of emotions: sadness, anger, pain, resentment, and loneliness.
You’ll have good days and not-so-good ones. Sometimes you’ll feel angry or sad and feel like you have no reason to feel that way.
This is normal. Be kind and gentle with yourself.
4. Be committed to moving on
You can’t fully move on from someone unless you truly want to.
So be honest with yourself. Are you giving yourself the best chance of healing and moving on? Are you fully committed to moving on, or are you secretly hoping he’ll come running back and tell you he made a terrible mistake?
I hate to break it to you, but this kind of stuff usually just happens in movies.
Chances are, he’s not coming back.
If you were meant to be, things probably wouldn’t have ended.
It’s time to commit to moving on with your life to bigger and better things.
Dozens of studies have shown that journaling can increase happiness, help you achieve goals, heal from trauma, and boost aspects of your physical and mental health.
Journaling can be very therapeutic and clear out any unresolved feelings or memories and start healing. You may not want to share certain things with anyone else, and no matter what time of day it is, your journal will always be there for you.
Plus, as you begin to heal and move on, you can start journaling about the new experiences and adventures you’re having.
Invest in a beautiful new journal today as a symbol of your fresh start.
6. Get support from family and friends
You likely have people in your life who care about you, who know what’s going on in your love life.
Don’t be afraid to lean on these people in your time of need. They might not have all the answers, but simply keeping you company and listening to you can make a huge difference.
And depending on how intense your previous relationship was, you might not have seen certain people as much as you wanted to. Now is the time to reconnect with those people and nurture those friendships.
7. Give yourself as much time as you need
I wish there were a magic potion you could drink that would miraculously stop you from missing this guy overnight. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work this way!
Moving on and healing takes time, and this will be different depending on who you and how deep your relationship was.
Be patient and give yourself as much time as you need.
8. Learn to enjoy spending time with yourself
After a breakup, you’re readjusting to being on your own again. And although this can feel lonely at first, it’s a beautiful invitation to fall back in love with your own company.
When was the last time you took yourself on a date? Do you even know who you are today or what you like or want?
Enjoy all this alone time you have now, and remember that it won’t feel lonely if you enjoy your own company.
9. Plan things to look forward to
One of the best ways to move on from someone is to give yourself plenty of other fun things to focus on.
So, start filling up your schedule with new activities, hobbies, and events that excite you. Say yes more to invitations. Focus on making new memories and having new adventures with new people.
Weekend getaways, spontaneous road trips, gigs and festivals, cooking classes, wine tasting nights, lunch, or nights out with your friends.
Now is the time to become a social butterfly.
10. Do all the things that you didn’t when you were together
When you’re in a relationship, there’s always an element of compromise between you to cater to each other’s likes and interests.
Were there any things he hated doing that you loved and didn’t get to do much when you were together?
Maybe it’s something like watching scary movies, sunbathing at the beach, going on exotic vacations, or exploring new parts of your local town.
Do more of the things you love.
11. Set new goals to focus on
After a breakup, you’ll feel like there’s a big part of your life missing.
It may not be the right time to jump back into dating (yet), so use this free time to refocus your attention on a different part of your life.
Maybe you want to work on getting back into shape or eating healthier and feeling stronger. Maybe you want to get ahead at work or in your business. Or perhaps you feel an urge to declutter your house and wardrobe and breathe some fresh air into your life.
Set yourself some new goals to focus on—they can be as big or as small as you like. And when you achieve them, you’ll give your confidence a much-needed boost.
12. Meet new people
Meeting new people and being super social right now will make you feel good and help you let go of the past.
It doesn’t need to be in a romantic sense; just make sure you’re making a considered effort to meet new people and make new connections.
The best way to do this is to get out of your comfort zone and do things you wouldn’t normally do.
For example, join a local sports club, visit a museum or art exhibition, hang out in a new bar, try a new restaurant, attend a local meetup in your city, volunteer somewhere. The possibilities are endless!
You’ll inevitably start meeting new men along the way. When the time feels right, be more deliberate about meeting men, brushing up on your flirting skills, and enjoying the freedom of being single. This is step number three of my Little Love Steps.
13. Continue building your confidence
Going through a breakup will inevitably knock your confidence, and it’s difficult to start building it back up if you’re feeling down or worthless.
All of the things on this list will help you slowly rebuild your confidence and get back to a place where you feel comfortable and happy within. The more you commit to these things, the faster you’ll heal and move on.
14. Believe that there is someone better out there for you
The final step to moving and ending those I miss him feelings is to believe there is a better guy out there for you. You just haven’t found each other… yet.
Enjoy where you are today and the beautiful journey this life is taking you on. Trust that when the timing is right, you’ll cross paths.
Are you ready to move on and create a stronger relationship that lasts?
It’s time to quit looking back into your past and commit to moving on and finding a fantastic relationship.
You deserve more than someone who is lukewarm, flaky, and doesn’t recognize your worth.
When you find yourself missing a guy after a breakup, what has been your most successful tool for healing and moving on?
Let me know your thoughts in the comments below!
The post “I Miss Him” – Do You Really? Or Do You Just Miss The Idea Of Him? appeared first on Love Strategies.